I'm beginning to understand some of the frustrations that people acquire when they start getting older.
I used to just soak up sciency stuff. Not that I understood very much, but I felt like I understood "enough" to get some benefit out of it.
Anymore though...it just doesn't register. It's just words. The words don't have meaning anymore. It's like reading a dictionary in a foreign language or something.
And it's frustrating as shit. I *used* to be smart.
I'm trying very hard not to blame the *world* for my inability to grasp seemingly simple concepts, but man, it's hard.
Of course, there are other factors at play. Some of this stuff I would have probably learned in school, had these things existed way back in the last century. I have heart disease which lends itself handily to brain-fog.
On the other hand, as we watch the world fall to the same mistakes that our forebears made, I'm equally as frustrated by other people not grasping what I find to be obvious repeats of history.
The worst people have power. Has that always been the case? The dumbest people are destroying education; has that always been true?
I don't know, but I do know that I just don't have the brainpower to suss out the truth, and as one of eight-billion, I'm pretty sure that even if I *did* understand the truth, it wouldn't matter. Such a small voice screaming into the void will surely not be heard.
I'm tired. And I'm ready to be done with the whole mess. Nothing to see here.
Kevin Davy
in reply to Roknrol • • •Roknrol
in reply to Kevin Davy • • •@pathfinder I sure feel defeated; why not admit it? A billion drops of water may carve away a stone, but to the individual drops it's a waste of time.
Hell, I don't feel like I'm much help to even myself, much less anyone else. It's like when you're halfway done with a race and you realize that you're *last*, and that the other people are still moving faster than you, and that you will never ever ever get caught up. At that point, why bother running at all?
Kevin Davy
in reply to Roknrol • • •Roknrol
in reply to Kevin Davy • • •@pathfinder Lol...I've never found joy in running.
And you're right; none of it matters. But my rational brain and my emotional brain are in disagreement and fight that battle every single day.
MooMoo the Cat
in reply to Roknrol • • •Roknrol, did you ever get Covid? I did, and my body and brain have not been the same since. I feel like I aged 10 years, with brain fog & low energy being at the top of the list of negative symptoms. And I've been struck by how much of the sadness/despair I feel is related to not having the energy or capacity to more actively impact my environment like I used to be able to. (cont)
MooMoo the Cat
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •Engagement with others requires "spoons" I no longer possess. And I've learned that, because my age is 59, it means my lung and heart capacity will consistently diminish ~5% each decade if I don't take active steps to stop it from happening.
I don't fear death, but I fear being in a diminished a powerless state, beholden to others for care in a society (USA) whose social safety net seems to be crumbling. (OK, some people are actively trying to destroy social services.)
MooMoo the Cat
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •The state of the world is often too overwhelming for me to hold all of it in my heart and mind. And I've never stopped thinking about the suffering of Palestinians and the betrayal I've felt at my country, TO THIS DAY, continues to perpetuate a genocide. The cruelty is soul crushing.
It has forced me to reassess all that I am and what matters to me. And to figure out, what, if any, positive impact I can have on this world. (cont)
MooMoo the Cat
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •I have lived my life as someone who stood up to power, who defended those who couldn't help themselves, and gave free time in pursuits to make the world a better place. And sometimes I get demoralized and think what was it all for? What do the words in our sacred constitution EVEN MEAN when people blatantly disregard ethics, laws, and gifts of humanity? It's been a lot to sit with.
(cont)
MooMoo the Cat
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •Sorry if this is oversharing, but I thought it may resemble some of what you are experiencing. My intention was to validate your feelings and thoughts. If nothing else, sometimes knowing one is not alone can help in dark times. (cont)
MooMoo the Cat
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •"Carving out a little corner of happiness, and nurturing it" as Kevin stated (thank you!), seems to me more of a revolutionary act, than a selfish one. I cannot help anyone else if my heart is on the ground, lifeless.
And I must persist, if for no one else, but my young adult son. He lost his father. So I persist. I look for anyway I can improve my mental, emotional, and physical health in order to at least be better for him. (cont)
MooMoo the Cat
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •(Whew, I had to delete, retype, and delete what I wrote in this post because it took a dark turn.)
Anyway, I suppose we each must find what works to hold ourselves up in trying times. I tinker with supplements & my diet to help my energy level, and happily I've found some success. And, even though I hate it, I started slow running to increase my cardiovascular health. (There are lots of YT videos on slow running if you're interested.)
It's working.
(cont)
MooMoo the Cat
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •I wouldn't say I'm more hopeful, but I'm stronger. Which means my capacity has improved. I have more energy and mental ability to appreciate joy.
Roknrol, losing your ability to learn about new science seems significant. I hope you find a way to bring it back. Perhaps switching your "why" from your enthusiastic sense of wonder to finding out why your brain lost that ability, may serve to bring it back?
I hope it does come back. I believe it's important.
Roknrol
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •@flowerpot I would be happy to find a new/another special interest. I'm pretty sure that they "why" boils down to my health (mental and otherwise), but it is maddening to not understand things that I feel like I should understand.
Again, thank you for your help and suggestions...they will simmer for awhile and I'm sure that there will be even more value to be gained as I process.
@pathfinder
Roknrol
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •@flowerpot My first "health" goal is to quit smoking. Unfortunately, without any sort of real support structure for my mental health, that has gone badly. Whenever I'm two days into quitting my depression spirals and...well...let's just say that the crisis lines have advised me to not quit smoking until that changes.
I do need to work on my cardio.
I've been helping neighbors with yard work and such as I'm able...I figure some exercise is better than none. Plus, I've got to maintain my house and yard here, so I'm getting a lot more exercise than when I'm in the US twiddling my thumbs.
I haven't played with my diet much...I'm so used to "fast food" or just heating something in the microwave that that's a whole 'nother burden I'm not ready to shoulder. I *do* eat healthier here, but only marginally.
The whole thing is a process...one that I'm trying to manage slowly, because "all at once" almost never works out for me.
@pathfinder
Roknrol
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •Roknrol
in reply to MooMoo the Cat • • •@flowerpot I got Covid once, but "seemed" to recover from it ok. Unfortunately, the symptoms of long-covid are very similar to the symptoms of advanced heart disease, so I suspect regardless of the actual cause, that's probably a lot of what's going on. Until they find a way to clean the plaque out of my arteries and it becomes a cheap enough procedure for me to qualify, I'm pretty sure that's not going to change any time soon.
@pathfinder