Spent a lovely weekend with my lifelong friend, attending both an MCR and Linkin Park concert. But as usual, when getting filled in on the finer details of her life, I remain increasingly concerned about her husband. For all I write about the dangers of men, it was my super libfem older sister who asked me the obvious question today: "Does he even like her as a person?"
I don't think I'm being biased in saying my friend is fairly brilliant. She meandered a bit in her twenties at a job she did not like but after joining the military and getting specialized schooling seems to be a standout in whatever she does. Her husband is newly ex-military, flunked out of college twice, and each time we meet up (around 3 times a year) he has a new career endeavor. Each endeavor shares the following similarities:
1. They must move to somewhere that is both obscure and far away for him to take the job.
2. She must quit her own specialized military job and grad school to make the move.
3. It's something comparatively low level and lower paying than what she does, usually some kind of security guard.
Luckily so far everything has fallen through for him but on our recent meeting she came in with a complaint about her life which she usually doesn't have. The husband hosts a DnD group every couple weeks. She prepares and/or orders in food for everyone. The guests make a spectacular mess of the house. She takes it upon herself to clean it up. She hates this and also doesn't have the free time to keep participating in these long DnD sessions without assistance from other people.
In addition to that, she asked me how to make chicken. She has been a vegetarian her entire life so you can imagine my surprise. Apparently she bought a rotisserie chicken from the store for the husband but him spitting it out and making commentary on how it was dry apparently impacted her so much she is now fretting about how to cook chicken on her own for him... someone who historically doesn't even physically touch meat.
Did I mention they have guns stored all over the house?
I know my views on males at large are considered extreme by the general population. But if I loved someone, I wouldn't keep coming up with these scenarios that would require her putting her entire life on hold, having her clean up after my friends, or spitting out food she got me as a thoughtful gesture.
![The image is a screenshot of a tweet from the user "PhDog" with the handle "[@]dogfox[@]mastodon.social." The tweet is directed at "[@]monkeyninja" and discusses a statement made by David Graeber regarding an economist's admission. The tweet reads: "David Graeber got an economist to admit that he was not aware of single case where a company was fined more than the profit it turned breaking the law. He summarized this as the government saying: 'Do all the crime you want, but if we catch you, you have to give us a cut.'" The background of the tweet is dark, and the text is white, making it stand out clearly.](https://friendica.eskimo.com/photo/link/163945 "The image is a screenshot of a tweet from the user \"PhDog\" with the handle \"[@]dogfox[@]mastodon.social.\" The tweet is directed at \"[@]monkeyninja\" and discusses a statement made by David Graeber regarding an economist's admission. The tweet reads: \"David Graeber got an economist to admit that he was not aware of single case where a company was fined more than the profit it turned breaking the law. He summarized this as the government saying: 'Do all the crime you want, but if we catch you, you have to give us a cut.'\" The background of the tweet is dark, and the text is white, making it stand out clearly.")
Vivian
in reply to GalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ • • •GalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ
in reply to Vivian • • •@VivianHsiaoFor the job stuff she insists she doesnโt care about her own job, she just wants to finish two years at her current one ideally for resume purposes. Before he proposed to her, she described her job as the best thing ever.
Sheโs definitely frustrated by the DnD which is new for her but didnโt take kindly to me saying the husband can make his own chicken. She then sites the guys she works with in the military who treat their wives terribly and how โif that happened to me Iโd end it right away.โ She sees no connection between those experiences and hers.
Brooke
in reply to GalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ • • •GalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ
in reply to Brooke • • •Mabon Penny
in reply to GalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ • • •@GalacticTurtleYour poor friend, and poor you for having to watch the inevitable play out.
Everything you point to as a flag, most definitely is, especially the big moving plans that subsequently don't happen... Thats keeping your friend in a state of hyper vigilance because even talking about moving is stressful. She migh't even realise she's been tenderised like this.
And I also see the D&D as a bit of a worry. Don't get me wrong, I love my dice rolling and miniatures, but it's an immersive experience and those with cluster BS and related disorders mental health disorders often use immersive fantasy as a means of detaching. Those adults with full and busy lives do not dedicate an long night each week to it.
I take it man child hasn't locked her in with kids yet? Because that'll be a real danger zone as from what you've said he's not going to put her and a baby first and he'll not enjoy it when she invevitably does.
And I hate to ask this, but does her milarty training mean she's a better shot than him, better weapons handling experience etc etc? Would he be jealous of her in this respect? I don't object to gun ownership in principal but multiply in the house would worry me. When my ex went crazy the first thing I did was move out bow and arrow to the attic.
Feart n Tired ๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ณ๓ ฃ๓ ด๓ ฟ
in reply to Mabon Penny • • •Mabon Penny
in reply to Feart n Tired ๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ณ๓ ฃ๓ ด๓ ฟ • • •Feart n Tired ๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ณ๓ ฃ๓ ด๓ ฟ
in reply to Mabon Penny • • •Mabon Penny
in reply to Feart n Tired ๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ณ๓ ฃ๓ ด๓ ฟ • • •@FeartnTired @GalacticTurtleBut if course its easy for us to comment as the Greek chorus with the clarity of distance.
Does you friend have a sister Turtle? I've found the intervention of a straight talking sister who doesn't give af about ruining a friendship to be invaluable.
GalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ
in reply to Mabon Penny • • •@Lady_Penelope @FeartnTiredNo sheโs an only child. So far Iโve mostly been in question asking mode around her as any direct criticism gets me running into a brick wall.
Historically I donโt get any details about her boyfriends because she knows Iโll probably jump to โhe sucks, break up with him.โ
They had a courthouse marriage last year as the guy was supposedly in a rush to get married for paperwork purposes for a government job he ended up not getting. Now Iโm the maid of honor for her actual wedding next year so we are talking and meeting up more than in previous years. Maybe thatโs why she voiced frustration about the DnD thing and I was hesitant to go straight in for the โstop putting up with that your husband is red flag centralโ feedback.
GalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ
Unknown parent • • •Brainy Gecko Mama ๐
Unknown parent • • •HebrideanUltraTerfHecate
in reply to GalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ • • •@GalacticTurtleOh, Turtle ๐ฑ this is just awful! I don't blame you one bit for being worried, I would be too, hell, I don't even know her and I am.
This is so many ๐ฉ that it beggars belief. What a nightmare, and there really isn't much you can do either, except hope they divorce or he dies, because so often women who get into these situations just do not see it or listen to advice. If she did suddenly think screw this and leave him then it would be terrific. God, I loathe men like this so much, he is an abusive fucker and I would have rammed that chicken so far up his arse he would be growing feathers out his ears for all eternity.
I have a friend who married a bastard, she has a history of older/horrible men. He's on his way out now though, and I will not be a hypocrite and say I'm sorry about it. Other friend and I always referred to him as Foul Ole Ron, from Terry Pratchett. Dreadful man, can't stand him.
RadicalCartoons
in reply to HebrideanUltraTerfHecate • • •@HebrideanHecate @GalacticTurtleWe've got a law against coercive control in the UK, and we can report it if it's happening to someone else.
I'm worried about someone else - Womenโs Aid share.google/90zLdoJpNTuQJpzyl
I'm worried about someone else - Womenโs Aid
Womenโs AidGalacticTurtle ๐ค ๐บ๐ธ๐ฝ
in reply to RadicalCartoons • • •