The Onion once again being too accurate for its own good
NEW YORK—Admitting that they had been working for several years without any discernible success, FBI agents confirmed Wednesday that a local left-wing political group was too disorganized to infiltrate. “We’ve had a few guys in there posing as members and trying to manipulate them into committing acts of violence we can arrest them for, but these people don’t ever do anything violent—they don’t ever do anything at all,” an undercover FBI agent told reporters, adding that the agency believed they’d made headway with turning the leader of the Liberation Socialists group into an informant until the guy didn’t show up to a meeting for months. “These people are incredibly disorganized. We try to attend their meetings to get them to unwittingly work on our behalf, but half the time no one shows up but the undercover agents, and the other half of the time the meetings are so confusing it’s impossible to follow what they’re actually trying to do. We also tried to sow division in their ranks to ensure that they couldn’t become powerful, but that didn’t work because these people already all fucking hate each other. They spend all their time arguing about minutiae, and most of the time when we try to talk them into doing something violent to the communal spaces in their community, they don’t even know where to go. They’re just a mess.” The FBI agent added that he was worried the left-wing organization was on to him, as he’d already aroused suspicion by interrupting a meandering discussion of principles with a straightforward plan of action.
Feral Ferment likes this.
Niavy
in reply to Martin Hamel • • •