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i've been raped by 19 people, was homeless before, had to endure decades of sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse by my entire family. i was close too dying more times than i can count, and my brain regularly tortures me by spiraling into insanity, hurting me and those who care about me. there have been times were i still got beaten up almost every day and had stones thrown at me, times where i wasn't allowed to leave an autism conversion psychiatry for 2 whole years, times where i didn't have enough money to afford food, times where i didn't know how to do anything at all because i had to basically raise myself almost entirely by researching everything on the internet and forming my own view of the world (and spending 8 hours a day on twitter). i had to be an adult from the day my parents realized that i would never become like the person they wanted to me to be - which, to be honest, wasn't a person at all, just an extension of their personality. they abandoned me emotionally and did the bare minimum to keep me alive, while relieving themselves off their anger and pain by screaming at me or physically hurting me day by day.
i finally ran away when i was 17, to the great unknown of Berlin. i met awesome people, who helped me lots and showed me that i am not a mistake, that i am worth keeping around, and that i am good enough.
yet without even realizing it, the vulnerabilities that had been implanted into my subconsciousness through the many, many times i had been abused, made me more vulnerable than ever to said abuse. i thought i got the chance to recovery, so i let my guard down, but not even a few months later i found myself stuck in another abusive relationship with someone way older than me who regularly raped me, who i was dependent on, who pressured me into staying with them. so i ran away from them too, but that did just about nothing. i arrived in karlsruhe and it started from anew; again and again and again i got sucked into abusive relationships, some with people who actively search for vulnerable young queers to abuse, others with people who simply don't know how to handle their own emotions and trauma and kept me trapped in their abuse (presumably) by accident.
through all of this, i never gave up my hope, i always fought with everything i had and the best i could. but lately, my hope is starting to fade away.
in these (in 11 days) 2 full decades that i have survived and struggled and suffered, i had always had a reason to live on and to move forward. first it was graduating from school and being able to flee from my parents, then It was finding a new social circle from scratch, then it was getting a job... and now i have all of that, yet i still feel like shit? i don't have to worry about being able to afford food anymore, i even found a few friends that i can trust. yet my broken brain continues to make me go through hell, as if every single day was still spent in the battlefield of abuse. it is a pain of such a magnitude that i cannot even begin to describe it, even though i am certainly more privileged than other people who at least look happier than me.
i don't have any attainable goal to work towards, i don't know what i need to do to find peace and happiness. but maybe happiness is just impossible to ask after everything that happened, and i should be grateful for the things i have.
the saddest thing is that screaming for help will not even do me any good, in fact, it will make things worse. everyone also is suffering too, no one has the resources to help me. and being negative like this around my friends will only make them sad, so i try to suppress it whenever i can.
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* I reject the binary assumptions underlying this statement
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in reply to alina arielle amelie🏳️⚧️🐾 • • •