As I am trying to get this memorial service for my mom together, I'm going through a lot of pictures of her. I just got a bunch from her sister, of when she was younger.
I've been with mom almost every day, for the last 17 years. Then, she was about 300 pounds. The last 6 years mom battled mini strokes and type 2 diabetes. She was losing weight the past 5 years or so, which we attributed to her not having her stressful job anymore (she wrongfully got fired after her first stroke).
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MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •Her nails were always bitten to the quick from the stress she was under at the brokerage firm. After she "medically" retired (no job for her to go to, anymore--plus, nobody would hire a 76 yr old woman) her nails grew. So we thought the weight loss was from her not stress eating.
She was diagnosed with a pancreatic mass 19 months ago during a hospital stay. We elected to not biopsy or treat her for it. I started her on the Joe Tippens protocol, which I did for about seven months.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •It took mom exactly one year of nursing care--where she was off the Joe Tippens protocol --to finally die. She weigned less than 130 when she passed and her official diagnosis was "protein-calorie malnutrition ". My friend who runs a hospice told me it's a bullshit diagnosis when the doctors can't be certain exactly what's causing the patient to decline, except her weight was plummeting.
It's been 12 days since mom left me. And, as I've been going through these photos of her, I've noticed
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •that the weight loss was profound and not like when Oprah lost weight, where she looked like a bobble- head. This looks like cancer, where mom was skeletal and her flesh melted away.
I had one final photo of my mom that I took a week before she died, for my aunt. (She tried to snap a picture during their last FaceTime but it didn't work so she asked me to take a picture.) I just looked at it and that's when I realized how bad my mom deteriorated.
There's only 1 reason I'm not sure about it.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •My mom was not in pain when she died. I asked her, countless times, and trust me, she would have told me.
The nurses all told me that pancreatic cancer is extremely painful. My mom did not exhibit that pain at all. She cried out once, when her sheets were being changed, because she was so thin and the movement hurt her. But she was okay after a minute. She never asked for morphine.
So although everything looked like cancer, I can't say for sure.
Maybe the Lord spared her that pain.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •Oh.... one last update
My brother is not coming to the service.
He just RSVP'd.
I am trying to be charitable. That means that I'm not trying to judge him or be bitter about it.
It is his choice. I think that it is a poor one, and an abysmal example for his children.
This is difficult for me to accept. Your mother's memorial service is a big deal. So big, that the military would send you home from war to attend it.
As retired military, he can even fly space-A within CONUS.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •There's no excuse for him not attending. He hasn't contributed even a penny towards her final expenses or the memorial.
I don't know how to feel about this. I want to be angry at him for not loving our mom, but I think my mom would rather have me pray for him because this is pretty indicative of his heart's condition and I know this was a source of anxiety for her. She knows I'm okay and we'll see each other again. But him... not so much. Deep inside, I think she knew his heart was hard.
CeceDuBois
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •Oh, friend, I'm so sorry for your loss. Even when we know it's coming, or it's time, it still hits us head on.
God bless you as you plow through what needs to be done to put your mother at rest. I pray for you, for her, and for your brother.
You are loved and supported here, dear heart. ๐๐ฏโค๏ธ
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to CeceDuBois • • •@CDuBois
Thank you sister. I receive that.
KathrynK ๐ฏ ๐บ๐ธ ๐ฅ๐ฟ
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •I am so very sorry about the loss of your dear mother. ๐ช๐๐ฏ You took such terrific care of her. I'm also so sorry about your brother's behavior.
Prayers of peace and comfort for you and your family.
Love,
Kathryn
CarolEmmarie
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •Defund_Politicians
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •For perspective..
My brother, and our mom are tight... I can't stand her. When she dies I will not attend the service.
We both have very different relationships with her. I do not try to derail my brothers relationship, but I also refuse to pretend we are cool.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to Defund_Politicians • • •@Defund_Politicians
I am sure you have your reasons for the relationship between you and your mom and I fully support you in establishing your boundaries.
It's a little different for me. My brother is not nice to either of us. He hasn't been his entire life.
I appreciate that you are HONEST about your feelings. My brother is passive- aggressive about his feelings. He would draw my mom close to bludgeon her. For instance, he came into town on a connecting flight and called her.
Defund_Politicians
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •That is not how I play for sure..
Sorry for your pain MMA.
I like you a ton, and hope you get through this quick.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to Defund_Politicians • • •@Defund_Politicians
Thank you dear.
Just so you know, I'm just like you. I'm fine with not having a relationship with a sibling or a parent. And I respect that my daughter doesn't want one with me, even though I'm hurt by her choice.
I had to tolerate my bro for my mom. And I'm going to honor her by praying for him. But I'm not going to have him in my house. He's done and said some things to me that you wouldn't believe, including punching me in the face when we were teenagers.
Defund_Politicians
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •Well MMA for whatever it's worth..
I am not your family, but I love you..
You are my kind of people.
Hope you get through this fast, and back to living your life.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to Defund_Politicians • • •@Defund_Politicians
I will make it because y'all are praying me through. My friends have always been more of a family to me than my own.
Thank you for the encouragement and support. It's made all the difference in the world to me.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •He asked her to come to the airport so he and his (2nd) wife could take her to dinner while he was waiting on his connecting flight.
She eagerly jumped in her car and drove 75 miles to BWI airport. (I refused, because I'm like you, I don't like that mofo, and I won't pretend, so I wouldn't go. )
She gets there and he's waiting alone. She asks where his wife is and he tells her that she's in the lounge. Mom is bewildered and then he tells her that he has to protect her (from my mother).
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •Then he launched into a diatribe about his whole relationship with her and how he offended at how she's hurt his wife because she still keeping a relationship with his first wife (mother of her niece and nephew). My mom is confused, crying and really feeling trashed.
There was no dinner, of course. Mom drove the 75 miles back home from the airport, upset and with a monster headache.
My bro made his point
I've found six such emails in her Gmail from him.... all.on the same theme.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •I have no issue with not caring for a person in your family. But be up front, be honest, and then be DONE. That isn't what he's doing.
I'm hurt because he's a phony and acts like he wanted to have a relationshipbut not really any of the responsibilitiesthat go with it. His offense and anger is the excuse to justify deliberately shifting all mom's medical expenses onto me when he knows I'm not in the greatest financial situation.
This memorial service is his last act of disdain for her.
Lori โ๏ธ๐ก๐บ๐ธ
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •You offered an invitation to participate and to join.
Prayers are all you should give now for your own sanity. Put him out of your mind and let his own conscience rule his future.
God will deal with his naughtiness since that's His domain. Who knows what will happen?
Blessings and love!
๐ฅฐ๐
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to Lori โ๏ธ๐ก๐บ๐ธ • • •@Lori
Amen sister. I have done right by my mom when she lived with me, and allowed that meat-ax across the threshold to see her... but, no more!
I will not suffer him in my house anymore. My duty and responsibility to care for my mom is ended. Part of caring for her was to get her closer to him because I knew she wanted to see her son more. If we hadn't moved to Texas, he wouldn't have made any effort.
I am in a way glad he won't be at the memorial. It's easier for me.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •I wanted to share a few pictures of my mom with you.
I found some of them when I was going through her pictures. Some are from my aunt's stash. ( She inherited all the pictures from my grandmother.) Quite a few of these I'd never seen before.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •Lori โ๏ธ๐ก๐บ๐ธ
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •Lino
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to Lino • • •@Lino0876
Yes, love, on the 24th. I was with her. It was hard to watch but I wouldnโt have it any other way.
Lino
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to Lino • • •@Lino0876
My belated condolences. I hope it is getting easier to bear. I am still crying a lot, even though I knew it was coming.
Lino
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •CarolEmmarie
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •@Lino0876
Dear friends took us to dinner the night before my mom's funeral.
I'll never forget Linda saying that it'd been 10 years since her mother passed and she STILL could not believe her own mom was gone.
Our moms always will be an integral part of us. Forever.
MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐
in reply to CarolEmmarie • • •@CarolEmmarie @Lino0876
I'm almost done with the video for my mom's service. It's a hodge podge of photos everybody sent to me and ones I found by looking in all of mom's boxes. Plus everything I could grab off my phone.
At first I was going to use the classic Commodore's song "Zoom" for the background music. But I prayed for the perfect song and a memory of a song came to me out of nowhere last night. It's going to be "I Will Remember You" by Amy Grant.
We all will remember our moms.
TXPatriot2021๐จ๐ฑโฮฃฮง๐บ๐ฒ
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •@CarolEmmarie @Lino0876
Great choice.
After the service it would be awesome if you posted it here, if you are so inclined.
Rumblestone the Ultra Plebeian
in reply to MMA ๐บ๐ธ๐ • • •